OK — I understand that you are getting crazy being cooped up inside all day. I will take you both and some friends over to the huge hill at the middle school and we can go sledding. But we need to establish some rules. Some of these rules have corollaries — so pay attention. These are my rules. I don’t have to explain them.
Violation of any of these rules will lead to us going home.
If you sled down hill you carry the sled back up the hill. That’s how it works. I know it makes you tired. That’s the point.
Someone has to hold my coffee mug while I push you down the slope.
If I put it on the ground, it will get knocked over — and it will get cold.
When you are holding my coffee, don’t spill it.
When you are holding my coffee don’t drink it.
If you drink my coffee and you think it tastes “funny” do not ask what is in my hip flask.
If you think you hurt yourself — walk it off or put ice on it (there’s plenty.) I only care if there is blood, and even then only if there is a lot.
I don’t care if you go headfirst down the hill.
If you go headfirst try not to hit anything, and if you want to go sledding again don’t mention any of this to mommy.
Do not throw snowballs at me; it might make me spill my coffee.
If you start a snowball fight with me and I hit you in the ear with a snowball, don’t complain, walk it off.
Keep track of your own turns. I’m not settling arguments about this. I’ll just watch you fight and make snide comments to other parents while I sip my “coffee.”
I can take a turn whenever I want. I don’t wait. Don’t say that’s not fair — it is perfectly fair. It is my sled and you wouldn’t be here if I didn’t bring you.
If you get snow down your shirt, don’t whine about it. It comes with sledding and there is nothing I can do about it.
If you have to go to the bathroom, but you don’t want to stop sledding, don’t tell me — just hold it.
We are done sledding when I have to pee.
Updates for 2016 Snowzilla:
You are now old enough to go sledding without me. Great. I can stay warm and drink beer in the comfort of my home. So now there is just one rule!
Always take a ziplock baggy in case your brains come up, put them in the baggy and will put them back in later.
Originally published at forfathersonly.blogspot.com on January 26, 2016.